“D”- Flowered
So, I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have sex until I was 21. I had been on dating apps, but I never had sex with anyone from one. Only kissing and maybe some foreplay, but never intercourse. Then one day, I matched with this really attractive, charming man. Beautiful smile, great conversation, and he only wanted to take me on a date. Before even agreeing, I expressly told him that we were not having sex on our first date. He understood and did not pressure me for anything. I really did believe he just wanted to enjoy my company.
And then he picked me up. Almost immediately, I was strongly attracted to him. He was older, a gentleman, well groomed, and extremely charming and funny. And after about 5 minutes of being around him, I didn’t decide that I actually was going to have sex with him, but I realized I wanted to. Badly.
Fast forward to after our date—he’d opened all of my doors for me, paid for dinner, tipped well, and was getting ready to take me back to campus—when I caved and told him, “I actually do wanna sleep with you, but I’ve never had sex before.”
“Is that something you think you’re ready for?”
Biting my lip and smirking, I replied with a subtle, “yeah.” And then all the feelings rushed in. “Omg, this is really happening,” I remember thinking. “You’re about to lose your virginity!”
And then we were in his hotel room. Fast forward, and we’d finished having (protected) sex. It was actually better than I expected! He didn’t hurt me or make me feel neglected at all—so much so that I wanted to do it again. So I told him.
“I meaaaan...” He responded, rolling over to look me in the eye. “I probably can’t stay hard with a condom on again.”
And that’s where my dilemma began. I did not want to have unprotected sex, but I really liked him and felt safe with him. He appealed to a part of me I’d never experienced, and I was filled with lust and adrenaline. He told me he was on PrEP (a medicine that prevents you from contracting HIV, even if you have unprotected sex) and even showed me the medication. I believed him, so I agreed to unprotected sex with him, even though I would have preferred to use a condom.
The next morning, he brought me back to my college campus, and I was immediately flooded with regret. Regret for going against my better judgement, regret for having unprotected sex, regret for believing someone that I had just met. I constantly preached to my friends about using condoms, and I’d had unprotected sex the first time I ever slept with someone. I felt like a hypocrite. With the paranoia of potentially having an STI looming in my mind, I immediately visited the College Clinic.
After speaking to the nurses on staff, and having my fears relieved a little, I actually chose not to get any STI testing done. The nurses assured me that I was fine, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up about that decision. But then, a weeks later, someone came to campus to offer free HIV testing. I’d gotten HIV tested before, because, as a gay male, HIV/AIDS awareness is something that is important to me. But this time was completely different. I had a new level of anxiety and fear because I was now sexually active and engaged in unprotected sex with a man from a city known for its extremely high rate of people living with HIV.
In the end, my test came back negative. All of the worrying was for nothing, but since then, I have used condoms just for my peace of mind. I know they’re not 100% foolproof, but I feel so much safer. People complain about the way condoms feel, but there’re so many different types and varieties. Now that I’ve found the kind that feels best for me, I don’t mind using them at all.
Age: 27