Patiently Waiting
I didn’t know what HPV was until I had it. I’d had one or two doctors offer me Guardasil in my pre-teen years, but I never knew exactly what it prevented, so I never agreed to the vaccine. I’d asked once, on my first visit to the doctor’s office by myself—the first time outside of my childhood pediatrician, the first time I was able to make medical decisions for myself. “What exactly does Guardasil do?”
“It prevents cervical cancer,” I was told. I didn’t know what cervical cancer was, and I couldn’t force myself getting it, so I declined the vaccination offer, and that was that.
I didn’t know what a Pap Smear tested for until my results came back as abnormal. Pap Smears were just something that you “did” when you turned 21, I was told. So I turned 21 and went to the gynecologist. A week later my world was turned upside down. A voice through the phone told me that I had HPV and that it would never go away. What was HPV? I asked. A sexually transmitted infection, she answered. But how could I have an STD when I had always been so careful? When I had only had three partners in the last three years—two of which were virgins? How could I have HPV when I always, always used protection? She told me that condoms sometimes did not stop the spread of HPV, advised me that I’d have to come back in a year for a follow-up exam, and hung up the phone. And then I turned to google.
Her words were playing in my head like a broken record. “HPV will never go away. HPV has no cure.” The links on google didn’t help. The more I read, the more dread I felt. So now, because of one potential partner, I was going to get cancer? Or genital warts? Would I be able to have children? Why didn’t doctors try to inform me more about what HPV was? My mind was tumbling down a rabbit hole. I called my sister in tears, revealing for the first time that I’d been having sex and babbling about how I’d never be able to have a partner again and how I was going to get cancer. She told me to calm down, take a breath, that she’d had HPV before but it had gone away in three months. She said that her doctor had advised her that usuallly HPV goes away within six months to two years, but it usually goes away within a year. So relax, she said, it’ll be okay. I just had to wait a year. I calmed down and took a breath.
A year later after my one-year annual exam, I sat in my car and stared at my phone as it rang once, twice. I picked up on the third ring, and once again a voice told me that my Pap Smear had come back abnormal. I leaned my head back against the headrest and focused on breathing, even as I felt tears sliding down my face. I’d done my best in the past year to forget about the diagnosis. But there it was, staring me in the face again. This time, the nurse on the phone was more compassionate. She’d told me that my HPV test came past as positive and I still had LSIL cells—that meant that I didn’t have the type of HPV that causes genital warts. She also told me that a LSIL diagnosis usually goes away within two years, so I would need to come back and repeat the process in another year.
My two-year appointment is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I’m pretty nervous about it. It’s been a journey these past 23 months—from feeling dirty and unworthy to navigating how to date again and build up the courage to tell potential partners that I have HPV. I still try to not think about it too much, because the thought of having cancer, of not being able to have children, of feeling like damaged goods for the rest of my life really scares me. But just like I’ve survived the past two years, I know I can try to do the same for all the upcoming ones. Even though none of my friends or family know about my HPV diagnosis, besides one sister and my very understanding boyfriend, it feels good to know that there are other people out there that share the same thoughts and fears that I do. I hope that my next Pap Smear will come back as normal, and I hope to never receive another abnormal one again in my life.
I try to look at the positives from this experience. The fact that I know what HPV is and how it’s spread. The fact that I’ve since received all three rounds of Guardasil—and even though it doesn't prevent all types of HPV—hopefully it will at least ward away any types of cervical or ovarian cancer. The fact that I know how to be responsible with my body and my partners’ bodies so that they don’t potential infect other girls that are vulnerable and unaware like I was. I wish I never had to experience this in general. I wish I had a mother who accepted the vaccine when it was presented to me in my preteen years. I wish I would have accepted it when it was offered to me as an adult. I wish, if possible, I could have been even more careful than I already was, or just have been celibate in general. But, the more you do, the more you learn, and if I would’ve never gone through this, I would still be uneducated and susceptible.
I hope you learn something from my story, just as I’ve learned so much from all of these events. Pray that I receive the results that I want in four weeks. Until then,
Age: 24